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* High Society presents... *
* The Real Pirate's Guide, Volume 2 *
* compiled by *
* Ctrl-Reset *
Finally! After a few cheap imitations,
the second volume of Rabid Rasta's
Real Pirate's Guide. Since RR has left
for the college scene, and I worked
closely with him on the first version,
you'll have to put up with me for this
As stated in the first edition of The
Real Pirate's Guide, there are a lot
of pirates; unfortunately, a vast
majority of them are morons. For this
reason, these "guides" have been as-
sembled to aid in the growth and matur-
ity of the younger pirate generation.
Which brings us to the golden rule of
pirating: "REAL PIRATES ARE OVER 15
YEARS OF AGE"(exceptions are few, like
if one was a beta-tester for
Broderbund, we could let that slide).
What follows is a compendium of all the
ideals and morals a Real Pirate should
possess. Note that some have been
taken over from the first Guide because
of their high value, and because these
rules are still widely knocked around.
Real Pirates can appreciate the differ-
ence between "Karateka," and "Competi-
Real Pirates have long-since deleted
"Caverns of Freitag," "Mr. Cool,"
"Trompers," "Jenny of the Prairie,"
and still couldn't give a sack of dog
dicks about anything from Avalon Hill,
SSI, and especially Scott Adams(AI).
Corollary: Real Pirates would jump
at the chance to "help" Adventure
International go Chapter 11.
Real Pirates aren't obsessed with the
never-ending quest of collecting all
12 sides of "Time Zone".
Real Pirates respect the programming
and creative talents of those working
for Broderbund, Infocom, and Electron-
ic Arts, and congratulate them on a
valiant attempt to make money.
Real Pirates didn't get excessively
excited upon the release of "Soft-
Porn Adventure," "Strip Poker," or
anything of the sort.
Real Pirates respect the efforts of
other pirates to sell his or her own
programs, but would distribute them
at them drop of a hat.
Real Pirates pirates aren't just
"learning assembly." Or even worse,
Real Pirates don't contemplate why
their Apple II+ w/48k won't run
"King's Quest," or "DazzleDraw."
Real Pirates know that the Mail
Trading Club, run by The Professor, is
the biggest mail-order scam/rip-off
since X-Ray glasses.
Real Pirates aren't anticipating the
release of the follow-up to "The
Real Pirates know that Lord British is
not the Monarch of any European empire.
Real Pirates know that "Road Pizza" was
either a very good joke, or a very bad
Real Pirates play "Karateka".
When posting a message, Real Pirates
can differentiate between: 'z' and 's',
'ph' and 'f', '2' and 'two', 'u' and
'you', '0' and 'O', '4' and 'for', and
'x' and 'ks'.
Corollary: Real Pirates have long-
since possessed the ability to punctu-
ate, spell and construct clear, well
Corollary to the corollary: Real
Pirates aren't constantly searching for
new ways to spell "WARES".
Real Pirates don't use the prefix "k-"
(ie. k-k00l, k-awesome, k-mart).
Real Pirates use lower case.
Real Pirates don't use text graphics.
Real Pirates don't use imbedded back-
Real Pirates don't post "I have" mes-
sages, when they really don't have.
Real Pirates aren't to impressed with
"spinny" cursors, and turn them off
upon logging onto such boards.
Real Pirates don't try to impress
others with their superior ability to
add many carriage returns at the end
of a message, thus preventing anyone
from reading the last few lines.
Real Pirates don't brag about people
they know, or clubs they are in to
the point of becoming obnoxious.
Real Pirates don't obtain their
"phreak" codes from the local Net-Works
"super-elite hack board".
Real Pirates use the latest version
of ASCII Express "Pro".
Real Pirates, when trading with another
Real Pirate, are not concerned with
matching everything the other pirate
sends them. Real Pirates are happy to
send wares to other Real Pirates simply
because they are in the same business.
(ie. no, "I send you 3 sides, you send
me 3 sides")
Real Pirates don't wait for BBS' to
print-out their "goodbye" message, they
Real Pirates always have a copy of
"Disk-fer" or "Cat-Send" handy, or both.
Real Pirates don't end their messages
with, "leave e-mail to [xxx xxx]," or
anything of the sort.
Corollary: Real Pirates don't respond
to such messages, and in no way use
them as a means to get "new wares."
Real Pirates aren't found to frequent
the local "Bitch Board".
Real Pirates know that Der Fuhrer is
a total and complete looser, and also
know that the most he ever did to
distribute anything was "send it to a
few people."(what everyone else does)
Real Pirates don't have to "ask" if one
has an Apple Cat, Real Pirates "assume"
one has an Apple Cat.
Corollary: Real Pirates know that a
"cat"--when referred to by another
pirate--is not a small, furry mammal in
the genus of a tiger(unless specificly
pointed out as such.)
Corollary to the corollary: Real
Pirates couldn't give a bucket of
hampster vomit about anything pertain-
ing to anyone else's pet.
Real Pirates don't make threats of
violence against others through the
phone lines. After all, how is someone
living in Acron, Ohio going to "beat
the living shit out of" someone living
in Waco, Texas? Not through Zap Mail,
that's for sure.
Real Pirates know that the disclaimers
often stuck in by BBS sysops do little
more then waste 20-40 bytes of RAM.
Real Pirates don't post messages
telling us what is "old", so they can
fill some space, thus making it look
like they actually had a reason to post
Real Pirates don't think it's keen to
be able to put '/EX' on a line by it-
self, and have it included in the mess-
Real Pirates have a "sixth sense" that
tells them which board to post a cer-
tain message on(ie. no "new wares" mes-
sages on the "Famous People Which I
Have Met" board).
Real Pirates can spot a Net-Works BBS
Real Pirates names aren't parodies of
other respectable pirates (ie. The Male
Nurse of Magenta Bag, Franklin Bandit,
5 1/4" Jockey, etc.).
Real Pirates names have no association
to any type of music whatsoever (ie.
Green Manalishi, The Scorpion,etc.).
Never is the prefix "Krack", or "Crack"
found in a Real Pirates name unless
they actually can crack, and don't just
Real Pirates know that M.P.G does not
stand for 'Miles Per Gallon', 'Many
Pieces of Gravel', 'My Prick is Green',
or anything of the sort.
Corollary: Real Pirates would never
think of forming, or joining another
group with the suffix "P.G.", standing
for "Pirates Guild"(three is enough).
Real Pirates aren't named: The Ace,
The Zapman, Lord Fagan, Captain Bly,
Pac-Rat, The Wrench, The Caretaker,
The Lumberjack, Mr. Party, The Fly,
Happy Hacker, or Der Fuhrer.
When talking with a Real Pirate on the
phone, you can be assured of not hear-
ing Culture Club or the Pointer Sisters
being played stridently in the back-
Real Pirates are not offended by
articles in NewsWeek simply because
they make a few dorogatory remarks
about BBS/modem users, and do not use
this weak reason for making the
author's life miserable.
Real Pirates weren't dissapointed when
"Fantasy Island" was cancelled, and
didn't worry whether or not the Cuban
midget would ever get another job.
Real Pirates would like to see a final
episode of "The Love Boat", where Vicky
absent-mindidly throws a lighted joint
next to a propane tank, causing the ship
to go up in a terrific display of fire
and smoke, whilst seeing the heads and
bodyparts of "your crew" scattered about
Real Pirates watch "Late Night with
Real Pirates just don't give a damn!
Well, that's it. For now. If you were
at all offended by anything in this
article, that's your que to retire from
pirating, because after all, Real
Pirates aren't offended by things
contained in text files.
I would like to thank The Cloak for his
helpful contributions and input.