LUCAS TO GEN-SW: "DROP DEAD". Anyone with more brains than God gave trouser lint probably figured this was coming, but now it's apparently official: the original versions of Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi will never be released on DVD. In other words, George Lucas is an arrogant, bullheaded son of a bitch.

If anyone other than Lucas were supressing these movies in favor of a set of re-edited tarted-up "special editions", the film community would be massing with pitchforks at the studio gates. Greedo shot first? Well heck, why not let Orson fix it so that Rosebud was actually a cheap whore Charles Foster Kane once cornholed in an alleyway? Let's have John Ford correct things so that Ethan Edwards believes firmly in Native American self-determination, or encourage Kubrick to clarify that Dave Bowman was really just suffering from the effects of some unusually bad brown acid.

In a better world, Martin Scorsese would be sitting in a lawn chair in George Lucas' driveway, wearing a day-glo NFPF work vest, armed with a bullhorn, a trebuchet and a basket of overripe summer squash. I'd be happy to help set the counterweight.

Previously at Studio Nibble...